First Date Sex!

Two weeks ago I posted a link, on the blog's Facebook page, to a post on Jezebel that commented on a report by MSNBC on how having sex on a first date is not necessarily a deal breaker for a loving, long-term relationship. I figured I would add my two cents to this and hope that some of you might be willing to share your opinions as well.

I would like to first start off by saying that everyone is different. Just because one has not found "the love of their life" yet doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the fact that you may or may not be putting out after the first or second date; it's possible that you probably have not found the right person. The report argues that love, like all other emotions,  is related to brain activity and that sexual desire activates the same area of the brain that love does "... love and sexual desire both activate the striatum, showing a continuum from sexual desire to love." I know that this is true for most women.

When most women lose their virginity they are usually more emotionally linked to their partner, (If you're a woman reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong) and for the experiences that I have encountered, vicariously through girlfriends, this has been the case. On the other hand, you have people like myself that feel that sex can be meaningless and fun by detaching any emotions from sex, so as to not become emotionally involved with your partner. When I lost my virginity I did not feel like I wanted to be in a relationship with the person I lost my virginity to. I DID continue having sex with this person for a short period of time, but only until I found someone else to have sex with. But honestly, I think that I'm the exception and not the rule.

I have a long history of "hitting it and quitting it" when it comes to my sexual experiences. What exactly does that mean? For me, it meant that I would have sex with someone and would have no desire to have a relationship with my partners. A lot of the time this was due to not really knowing my partners (on a deeper, emotional level) and therefore feeling like I got all I could possibly be given by them, sex. The lack of attachment was even worse when I didn't get satisfied during the sexual encounter. In order for me to have that sexual desire be converted to "love", or at least a stronger attraction to my partner, I would need to get to know this person first and build up the sexual tension before sleeping with each other. This has happened to me a total of two times.

My first sexual/emotional experience was REALLY disappointing, mainly because of his performance (which lasted about 5 minutes or less). This ended up being a bit of a turn off, but I still kept pursuing him. After a second, and equally, disappointing short performance, I realized that I was not into having sex with this person, but I was still emotionally attracted to him because, by that point, I had already known this person for quite some time. My second experience was a lot more promising. Prior to having sex, we really got a chance to get to know each other. On a few occasions we even discussed what some of our fantasies and desires were, which led to kinkier sex and an all around better experience, which drew me even closer to this person. I'm not involved with either person anymore, but of the partners I have had, these are the two that "made the cut" to a potential relationship, at least in my head.

Maybe I'm just not wired correctly, where I don't feel an emotional connection with most people I sleep with, or maybe I'm more of a guy in that sense. It's almost as if for me it's about the chase; if you give it up to quickly then I'm immediately turned off from wanting to pursue any kind of relationship that was not just "fuck buddy". But if you held off and I got to know you, then the mystery of the potential emotional connection we could create from having sex would pique my interests even more and give you a fighting chance. Now a days, I feel like this is exactly what I'm trying to find. My "hitting it and quitting it" days are definitely over, and have been for about a year and a half now (it might have something to do with getting older). But I'm almost certain that even with my desire to be in a relationship, sleeping with someone on the first or second date would be a deal breaker for me.

Until next time, stay excited!


***If you have a story you would like to share please email me. Also, if you have any suggestions for future adult toy reviews, topics, or questions please feel free to post them in the comments section or email me at DilDosNDilDonts@gmail.com***

And now, time to address some comments

This past week has been a hectic one, which means that I’ve had little to no time to come up with a topic and write. For this reason I decided that instead of posting something new I will instead respond to some comments made to me about my previous posts.

My Bathtub and Me:

After reading this blog post, a friend of mine asked if I knew what sex was at the time I first started masturbating. I can pretty much affirm that I had NO clue what sex was, or that having “urges” to satisfy yourself meant that you were horny. I did what I did because it felt good to me and I wasn’t hurting myself, or anyone else for that matter. But after my mom caught me I knew that I wasn’t supposed to do it, I just wasn’t aware as to why it was something wrong to do.

Another friend thanked me for being honest about the age I was when I started masturbating. Although, he thanked me because he felt guilty for having done the same thing and felt like he wasn’t alone. I’m pretty sure that there are more of us that started humping, grinding, and touching ourselves at a young age; we just probably don’t remember it. Maybe, due to being caught by our parents and being reprimanded, we stopped making ourselves feel good and repressed those memories. Whatever the case may be, I’m almost certain that my friend and I are not alone when it comes to doing things at a young age that makes our bodies feel good.

The Doc Johnson I-Vibe Rabbit aka My First Vibrator!:

One friend pointed out that I didn’t mention that I broke my first Rabbit. As I re-read that blog post I noticed that I did mention that I had to replace it because I had over used it. Well, I guess my friend wanted me to be a little more obvious about that fact.

After owning the Rabbit for just about over a year, I wore out the motor on my beloved toy. I tried to take it apart to see if there was anything I could do to try to fix it, but I wasn’t a mechanical engineer and failed at my attempt to fix my Rabbit. I didn’t know that you can overuse a toy; I think that’s probably why I have several now, so that I can rotate them and not worry about wearing them down.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month:

After I posted this story I’ve had a number of people open up about the times that they were sexually assaulted. One person in particular opened up about the trauma that she’s still experiencing from her assault. She feels that her marriage is suffering sexually because there are certain sexual acts that can trigger a memory of the assault. Because of that she and her husband haven’t really been able to expand their sexual horizons. Also, she sometimes feels disgusting during sex, and a bit guilty if she enjoys it, which are all feelings that she has recognized come from the trauma of the attack. She recommended I touch on that topic, enjoying sex after an attack, in a future post, which I definitely plan on doing.

The War on Women:

I was surprised that I didn’t get any feedback, whether it be on one side of the political spectrum or the other, on this post. I think that I’ll just leave this one alone.

Virginity:This blog post opened up a whole can of worms with multiple ex-partners. I’ve had at the VERY least five different people contact me and either try to buddy up with me, apologize, or just express concern about the possibility of being subject matter for a future post. I’m going to say this, I will definitely not be naming names, and only you, and my VERY close friends, will know when I write about you. Every experience I have had is fair game for future posts. Now, I don’t intend on just talking crap about everyone, that’s not the person that I am, and that’s not my style. What I do plan on doing is being honest. If you were an asshole and I had great sex with you then I will post that you were an asshole and I had great sex with you. If you were a sweetheart and we had vanilla sex, then I’ll probably post that you were a sweetheart but the sex just wasn’t that great.

I’ve had a variety of sexual experiences that were paired up with a wide range of personalities. I have also gotten my heart a little broken on numerous occasions, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to tear you a new one. My suggestion, if after reading this you still have reason to be afraid of what I might post, then I think that that’s saying more about you than it is about me.

The Layaspot by Fun Factory, Your BFF on Long Car Rides:Yes, I do drive with this toy. I did not fabricate that story. I also use it when I’m at home sitting at my desk and using my computer. I’ve also recommended this toy to my friends and family more than any other; that might have something to do with some women preferring clitoral stimulation and how versatile this toy is.

Talk Dirty to Me:

It was suggested that I include where you do and do not like to be licked to the list of topics you and your partner should talk about. The list I posted was definitely not an extensive one, so feel free to add topics of conversation that best fit you and your partner.

I’m pretty sure that I addressed all of the important comments that were made about those particular posts. If you have anything else to add please feel free to let me know.

Until next time, stay excited!

***If you have a story you would like to share please email me. Also, if you have any suggestions for future adult toy reviews, topics, or questions please feel free to post them in the comments section or email me at DilDosNDilDonts@gmail.com***

Talk Dirty to Me

I know that you have heard it time and time again; communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Well, this could not be truer when it comes to communicating about sex before, during, and after sex. Aside from communicating during sex with “sexy talk”, which can be really hot, the communication that comes before the sex is just as important, especially when it comes to setting boundaries for what you are or are not comfortable doing in the bedroom. 

 

I love rough sex. I’m a fan of just taking it and being told what to do, having my hair pulled, and being spanked and lightly bit. I also love to dirty talk prior to sex in public places; being told what’s going to happen to me and how I’m going to be “punished” is a HUGE turn on and a great form of foreplay. You wouldn’t know this about me just by looking at me, so how do you think that my last few partners knew to do this in order to ensure that I had a very pleasurable sexual experience? I told them about it. I set boundaries for what words they couldn’t use when talking dirty; I’m not a fan of being called a bitch during the sexy talk. My partners also knew that I wasn’t that big of a fan of anal sex, although I’ve been recently reconsidering trying it again, so they never attempted to do it or brought it up. The point I’m making is that communication is the key to a great sexual relationship.

Prior to my now candid nature with my partners about what I enjoy in the bedroom, I would just do the deed and not really bother to let my partner know, neither before nor after sex, what the things that I enjoyed the most were. This was a big mistake on my part because I’m quite the submissive during sex. When a partner would ask me what I wanted to have done to me I would go into “super-freak-out-silence-mode”. Needless to say, it took a while before I was able to communicate during sex. I think that my silence came from not really knowing what I wanted and liked, but also from wanting a partner to just take control and have their way with me, yet I didn’t communicate this. Little by little, though, as the amount of sex I had increased, I began to realize what I liked and that most guys have no clue what a woman really enjoys in bed. But to be fair about that statement, most women want different things.

Talking about sex before you have it is also a great way to explore each other’s wild side, as well as test what boundaries might or might not be ok to cross. I used to sleep with a friend that wanted a finger or two up his butt during oral sex, and he was completely candid about this. I was fine with obliging to his request and it made sex a lot more fun for the both of us. On another occasion, I was sleeping with a guy that liked to pinch my nipples, but before he proceeded to pinch them he asked if it was ok, I told him he could do it but I would let him know when it was too much. During that sexual experience I found out that I like my nipples pinched and bit, but the fact that he asked for permission is what really made that experience hot.

It’s important to note that you should probably not go to your partner and start listing things that you don’t like during sex. Keeping things in a more positive light and giving suggestions for alternative experiences to the ones that you’re not a fan of, that way no one’s ego gets hurt, is probably the best way to go about things. Now, if you tell someone that you would rather they do something else instead of continuing with what they’re doing, but they don’t listen to you, then you should definitely put your foot down and say that you don’t like what they’re doing. Consent is sexy, but if your partner tries to do something that you have said you’re not too keen on doing then you should definitely feel comfortable to say that you do not like something.

 

To get you started, here are a few things that you should consider talking to your partner about: 

 1) Fantasies 

 2) Where you like for them to cum (for those with male partners)

 3) Whether or not you like cum in your mouth

 4) Positions you favor

 5) Toys you would like to use during sex

 6) Your thoughts on role playing

 7) Places that you like to have sex (public vs private)

 8) Foreplay

 9) Oral sex

 10) Mutual Masturbation

 11) Anal sex

 12) Bondage or more extreme forms of S&M

These were just a few suggestions, but I'm sure that you all can come up with more. Please feel free to leave your suggestions for topics to talk about with your partners in the comments section, I'm sure other people would appreciate it ;).

Until next time, stay excited! 

***If you have a story you would like to share please email me. Also, if you have any suggestions for future adult toy reviews, topics, or questions please feel free to post them in the comments section or email me at DilDosNDilDonts@gmail.com***