I sat in front of the computer for about twenty minutes waiting for the clock to strike midnight. I knew that as soon as that time came I would turn into an emotional mess, and the best way to deal with it all would be to write.
I started this blog for various reasons, but one very personal reason is to deal with my emotional intimacy issues. I can talk about my life very easily, as you can tell by the content of the material that I have posted, but all of that is just facts; they’re all facts about my life that, although they are not common knowledge, don’t really convey where I was emotionally when any of it occurred. I can easily share my feelings of joy, particularly because whenever I hear of good news from friends I just feel happy, especially for them; their happiness is contagious. Morose feelings are another story. I very much welcome being the shoulder for someone to cry on, but I can’t really bring myself to give my friends the opportunity to lend me their shoulders so that I may cry on it. I feel almost as if I’m burdening my friends with my troubles, and not because their troubles are a burden to me, because that is never the case, but because I just can’t bring myself to do it. So this is me, reaching out to my friends, family, and even those that I don’t know that read this blog, to let you know that I’m in pain. I’m in pain because today’s Gaby’s twenty-first birthday.
Twenty-one years ago today, my baby sister, Gaby, was born. A short eighteen years, eight months, and three days later I lost her to severe depression that resulted in her committing suicide. Every day after her death I have missed her beyond measure. For several years before she passed I told her how much I couldn’t wait for her twenty-first birthday because she would become my concert buddy, my partner in crime; we had very similar tastes in music. Several times, when I wanted to go to a show and couldn’t find anyone to go with, I would jokingly yell at her for still being too young to go to twenty-one and over shows. She would yell right back at me for being so much older than her. Now, I hurt not because I no longer have a drinking buddy, but because she has robbed me of many great memories and because she knew that her twenty-first birthday was going to be a huge milestone for the both of us. Today would have definitely been a day of epic memories, and knowing that I don’t get to experience any new ones is what causes me to cry uncontrollably.
I know that we should cherish the memories that we do have with our loved ones that have passed, but Gaby and I still had many more years to share, especially as “adults”. Today would have been the start of us probably doing a lot more together because I would actually be able to take her everywhere, and I know that she would have always said yes. Now I don’t have that option anymore and it tares me apart; I almost had that and then I lost her too soon and we will never create those memories. So today, June 5th, I have to remember all of the great times we had and just let that be enough, even if it never will be. No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how badly I want her back, I just have to settle for the few memories we did have. I guess it’s better than nothing, but I lost her too soon, and the brevity in which she was in my life is what makes the pain worse.
Today I remember memories of old,
Today I remember your love, which I want to hold.
Today I remember that I will always love you
But most importantly, today I remember to say happy twenty-first birthday to you.
I love you baby sister.