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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

First Date Sex!

Two weeks ago I posted a link, on the blog's Facebook page, to a post on Jezebel that commented on a report by MSNBC on how having sex on a first date is not necessarily a deal breaker for a loving, long-term relationship. I figured I would add my two cents to this and hope that some of you might be willing to share your opinions as well.

I would like to first start off by saying that everyone is different. Just because one has not found "the love of their life" yet doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the fact that you may or may not be putting out after the first or second date; it's possible that you probably have not found the right person. The report argues that love, like all other emotions,  is related to brain activity and that sexual desire activates the same area of the brain that love does "... love and sexual desire both activate the striatum, showing a continuum from sexual desire to love." I know that this is true for most women.

When most women lose their virginity they are usually more emotionally linked to their partner, (If you're a woman reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong) and for the experiences that I have encountered, vicariously through girlfriends, this has been the case. On the other hand, you have people like myself that feel that sex can be meaningless and fun by detaching any emotions from sex, so as to not become emotionally involved with your partner. When I lost my virginity I did not feel like I wanted to be in a relationship with the person I lost my virginity to. I DID continue having sex with this person for a short period of time, but only until I found someone else to have sex with. But honestly, I think that I'm the exception and not the rule.

I have a long history of "hitting it and quitting it" when it comes to my sexual experiences. What exactly does that mean? For me, it meant that I would have sex with someone and would have no desire to have a relationship with my partners. A lot of the time this was due to not really knowing my partners (on a deeper, emotional level) and therefore feeling like I got all I could possibly be given by them, sex. The lack of attachment was even worse when I didn't get satisfied during the sexual encounter. In order for me to have that sexual desire be converted to "love", or at least a stronger attraction to my partner, I would need to get to know this person first and build up the sexual tension before sleeping with each other. This has happened to me a total of two times.

My first sexual/emotional experience was REALLY disappointing, mainly because of his performance (which lasted about 5 minutes or less). This ended up being a bit of a turn off, but I still kept pursuing him. After a second, and equally, disappointing short performance, I realized that I was not into having sex with this person, but I was still emotionally attracted to him because, by that point, I had already known this person for quite some time. My second experience was a lot more promising. Prior to having sex, we really got a chance to get to know each other. On a few occasions we even discussed what some of our fantasies and desires were, which led to kinkier sex and an all around better experience, which drew me even closer to this person. I'm not involved with either person anymore, but of the partners I have had, these are the two that "made the cut" to a potential relationship, at least in my head.

Maybe I'm just not wired correctly, where I don't feel an emotional connection with most people I sleep with, or maybe I'm more of a guy in that sense. It's almost as if for me it's about the chase; if you give it up to quickly then I'm immediately turned off from wanting to pursue any kind of relationship that was not just "fuck buddy". But if you held off and I got to know you, then the mystery of the potential emotional connection we could create from having sex would pique my interests even more and give you a fighting chance. Now a days, I feel like this is exactly what I'm trying to find. My "hitting it and quitting it" days are definitely over, and have been for about a year and a half now (it might have something to do with getting older). But I'm almost certain that even with my desire to be in a relationship, sleeping with someone on the first or second date would be a deal breaker for me.

Until next time, stay excited!

***If you have a story you would like to share please email me. Also, if you have any suggestions for future adult toy reviews, topics, or questions please feel free to post them in the comments section or email me at DilDosNDilDonts@gmail.com***

1 comment:

  1. I've had hookups and first date sex and had it turn in to a lasting relationship. Actually, all three of my last relationships started off that way. When I was younger I would've probably had more qualms about this, but as I got older it was less of a big deal. I also started to get to know my needs.

    Having a great first time sexual experience with those guys did make me want to stick around and helped the attachment grow (even with the one dude who was bad news...). With all three there was some attachment and a crush, but the sex came early on. I think it would've sucked to really like a guy and start seeing him only to have bad sex.